Growing up I was shy. Painfully shy at times. I just sat back and watched all the goings on. There were bonuses to this. For example, if I never said anything then I would never say anything stupid. If I kept to myself and didn't let people in, then they couldn't hurt me. The times I did come out of my shell to fit in, I ended up regretting it.
In 6th grade I wanted so desperately to be part of the group of cool girls in my class that I would do anything to have them accept me. One time I agreed to take everyone's change and go into the teacher's lounge and buy sodas for all the girls. This was DEFINITELY NOT allowed. They all were supposed to go with me and stand at the door while I did it. So, as I was putting all the change in and getting 6 sodas, the girls took off running for the playground when they saw a teacher coming. I was left there, dumbfounded, with 6 soda cans in my hand, all alone. I was suspended, of course. Also, my 6th grade teacher started associating me with these girls and then when the time came to recommend classes for me in junior high, she decided I wasn't going to be in the "Honors" classes. I then spent the next 2 years of junior high taking test after test, trying to prove to the teachers that I could handle and Honors English. This all sounds so trivial now, but it was DEVASTATING at the time.
In High School I was in the marching band (that didn't do much for my popularity status, I'll tell ya!). I was just part of the crowd, part of a giant moving crowd, wearing uncomfortable wool uniforms and 10 pound hats on our head in 100 degree heat! But, being in the marching band provided an outlet for my creativity without forcing me to "put myself out there" too much. My last 2 years in high school I played in the orchestra pit for the school musicals. I wanted so badly to be one of the girls on the stage, starring in the musical, but there was no way I would ever be able to stand in front of hundreds of people with them all looking at me. I would literally just die.
In college I started to come out of my shell a little more. It helped that no one knew me. No one knew who I really was. I could more easily express myself and who I was without all the judgement. You see, living in a small town everyone knows you. And if they don't know you, they know your mom, your dad, your siblings, your best friend, your grandma, your dentist. So, people always think they know who you are. In college I didn't have to worry about that. I felt so comfortable just letting loose and being me, but then I had to explain the "new" Heidi to my parents when they would come visit. And how, when people would hear about the "new" Heidi back at home, what would they say??? Oh... the horror!!
Well, I slowly started to become more outgoing. The shy Heidi was in the past. I was enjoying it! But lately I have remembered the benefits of being a recluse, and unfortunately the downside of putting yourself out there. I have also realized that no matter how old you get, women/girls are mean. I have had to come to an agreement with myself that I wouldn't let someone else's opinion of me determine what I thought of myself.
I have to pick myself up by my boot straps every morning and tell myself who's opinion really matters. These 3 beautiful little children looking up at me with these huge, love filled eyes... they matter. What they think of me really matters. I know they love me (even though they really have no other choice) and I know they need me (again... no other choice).
But, its hard. I don't think it ever gets any easier, either. I think I will still be thinking to myself, "What is her problem? Why doesn't she like me?" in 50 years as I am sitting at the "home" playing canasta. That is an exhausting thought! Another 50 years of insecurities? No wonder women are so complicated!
But, men do not have these issues. They don't care who likes them. They don't sit and stew about which guy is talking about them behind their back. They don't worry if their butt looks bigger in their jeans than the guy standing next to them. They don't keep grudges, either. Their lives are so much easier!
So, what are the positives in this situation? Hmmm.... hold on... I'll come up with one.....
I have one... I would NEVER want to be a man. I would have to give up the clothes and accessories and hair! No more handbags. No more Bloomingdales. No child bearing (hmmm... that might not be on the plus side after all). Men have too much hair in all the wrong places and they smell. Their feet are not attractive. They go bald. Women are smarter and have the ability to multi-task. There... with all of the positives of being a girl I guess it is only fair that we have some negatives, too.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
What I learned this week...
It's been a while since I posted and I have been trying to come up with something to write about all week. I have also been trying to find time to journal all week. So, at the end of another long, stressful week I have decided to list the things I have learned:
1.) While growing up, my father (an architect) spent many countless nights and weekends at the office. Since Trent works for my dad, he now spends many countless nights and weekends at the office. This week in particular was one of those weeks. I was essentially a single mother of 3 children. This was tiring, stressful, exhausting, challenging, and trying. I did survive the week, though.
So, I learned that I can actually do it all. I can take care of 3 children by myself, keep a house clean, do graduate school homework, take dinner to people in need, and do yard work all by myself. Don't get me wrong... it was almost more than I could handle at times. There is a reason that it takes 2 people to have children because it takes at least 2 people to handle them all! I take my hat off to those women (and men) who do it themselves.
2.) While washing your windows outside, if they are especially dirty, try taking a Swiffer Wet (not the kind with the spray, just the wet pad you hook on) and use that to get the major dirt and grime off. Then, use Windex to clean the window. It worked well.
5.) Buying the supplies to make your own jewelry is definitely MORE expensive than just running to the mall and buying it yourself. But, not as rewarding, right???? It was fun, though, mostly because we got to sit and chat while we did it.
6.) There are some people in your life who you realize, no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to live up to their level of success. My friend, who shall remain nameless but probably knows who she is, is one of these for me. She has perfect hair, cute clothes, cute CLEAN house, obedient children, obedient husband, and somehow finds the time to hand make her thank you cards, participate in the school's PTA, be a room mom, hold a church calling, play bunko, and still flutter around as pleasant as can be. I am sure she has her moments, but I definitely feel inferior at times! And I am still trying to master the "snap of the finger" approach to disciplining my children. She has that DOWN!
7.) The grass is always greener.....
A girl I grew up with is currently traveling around Europe, sight seeing and working as a nurse. I stalk her blog. She probably doesn't even know that I do, but I can't help it. I am SOOO jealous! She has complete freedom. She gets to see the world. She only has to worry about herself.
The thing I keep telling myself is that I have an amazing life of my own. I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, adorable children, friends and family, and I am healthy. There are definitely things in my own life to be grateful for. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. While consumed in my own daily life it is easy to be self loathing. It take serious gumption to realize what you have be thankful for it.
8.) Goals are essential. I have a daily "goal" list, or otherwise known as a "To Do List". I give myself "goals" each day. I seriously couldn't survive without my lists. Somehow, being almost 30 and having 3 children has left me with practically no short term memory.
9.) I am a much happier person when it is not 105 degrees outside.
10.) Enjoy the journey because it is over before you know it.
1.) While growing up, my father (an architect) spent many countless nights and weekends at the office. Since Trent works for my dad, he now spends many countless nights and weekends at the office. This week in particular was one of those weeks. I was essentially a single mother of 3 children. This was tiring, stressful, exhausting, challenging, and trying. I did survive the week, though.
So, I learned that I can actually do it all. I can take care of 3 children by myself, keep a house clean, do graduate school homework, take dinner to people in need, and do yard work all by myself. Don't get me wrong... it was almost more than I could handle at times. There is a reason that it takes 2 people to have children because it takes at least 2 people to handle them all! I take my hat off to those women (and men) who do it themselves.
2.) While washing your windows outside, if they are especially dirty, try taking a Swiffer Wet (not the kind with the spray, just the wet pad you hook on) and use that to get the major dirt and grime off. Then, use Windex to clean the window. It worked well.
3.) After deciding to make my own baby food I have refused to buy it since. Although I do keep a few in the cupboard for when we are at restaurants, all the other baby food we used is made by yours truly. The lifesaver in this feat is the Baby Cook from Williams Sonoma.
This little appliance is easy to use and allows me to make baby food all day while still taking care of everything else.
I then use these to store it in my freezer.
Trust me... making baby food is SOOOOO easy!
4.) I learned to make jewelry! I made a quite adorable necklace and bracelet set this week because one my friends (who conveniently lives around the corner) was nice enough to come over and teach me one morning.
5.) Buying the supplies to make your own jewelry is definitely MORE expensive than just running to the mall and buying it yourself. But, not as rewarding, right???? It was fun, though, mostly because we got to sit and chat while we did it.
6.) There are some people in your life who you realize, no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to live up to their level of success. My friend, who shall remain nameless but probably knows who she is, is one of these for me. She has perfect hair, cute clothes, cute CLEAN house, obedient children, obedient husband, and somehow finds the time to hand make her thank you cards, participate in the school's PTA, be a room mom, hold a church calling, play bunko, and still flutter around as pleasant as can be. I am sure she has her moments, but I definitely feel inferior at times! And I am still trying to master the "snap of the finger" approach to disciplining my children. She has that DOWN!
7.) The grass is always greener.....
A girl I grew up with is currently traveling around Europe, sight seeing and working as a nurse. I stalk her blog. She probably doesn't even know that I do, but I can't help it. I am SOOO jealous! She has complete freedom. She gets to see the world. She only has to worry about herself.
The thing I keep telling myself is that I have an amazing life of my own. I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, adorable children, friends and family, and I am healthy. There are definitely things in my own life to be grateful for. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. While consumed in my own daily life it is easy to be self loathing. It take serious gumption to realize what you have be thankful for it.
8.) Goals are essential. I have a daily "goal" list, or otherwise known as a "To Do List". I give myself "goals" each day. I seriously couldn't survive without my lists. Somehow, being almost 30 and having 3 children has left me with practically no short term memory.
9.) I am a much happier person when it is not 105 degrees outside.
10.) Enjoy the journey because it is over before you know it.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Make a Change!
Well... after careful self analysis and contemplation (note the sarcasm), I decided that I needed an attitude adjustment and my children needed a change of pace.
Let me explain...
It all started with the first post I made about strollers. I was venting a little bit, being dramatic, but honestly expressing my frustration at the same time. I received several comments from other moms commiserating with me on the topic, both in person and on my blog. BUT! I also received a comment from someone (a random stranger) who actually said she felt sorry for me that I have such negative views. Hmmm... first, I think it is unfair that you stalk my blog and do not have one of your own for me to also stalk. That is just bad blog etiquette! Second, I thought that maybe I did sound pretty negative and maybe went a little too far expressing myself. But then I decided I had spent way too long worrying about what a random person I have never met (that apparently lives in Ventura and only has positive things to say about pushing a double stroller) thinks about me. So, thirdly, I decided that this was my avenue to express myself and I was comfortable with my post and what I said because it was honestly how I felt.
THEN.... I also decided that maybe I spend a little too much time complaining and less time changing things. So, after a several days of complaining about another subject (my children's lack of afternoon naps and my resulting frustration to keep them entertained) I decided to do something about it. Yesterday afternoon I planned a "FUN" afternoon together. We ate lunch, saw a movie, bought new books and I did it all by myself. Yep, thats right! No one else to help me. No one else to hold the baby, help boys go potty in a public restroom, carry drinks and popcorn... nothing. Just me.
I thought this would be hard, and it was a little in the logistics sense, but overall it was fun. And relaxing. Yes, I said it... it was RELAXING!
So, in conclusion, I would like to thank the random stranger from Ventura and my children for a wonderful afternoon.
Let me explain...
It all started with the first post I made about strollers. I was venting a little bit, being dramatic, but honestly expressing my frustration at the same time. I received several comments from other moms commiserating with me on the topic, both in person and on my blog. BUT! I also received a comment from someone (a random stranger) who actually said she felt sorry for me that I have such negative views. Hmmm... first, I think it is unfair that you stalk my blog and do not have one of your own for me to also stalk. That is just bad blog etiquette! Second, I thought that maybe I did sound pretty negative and maybe went a little too far expressing myself. But then I decided I had spent way too long worrying about what a random person I have never met (that apparently lives in Ventura and only has positive things to say about pushing a double stroller) thinks about me. So, thirdly, I decided that this was my avenue to express myself and I was comfortable with my post and what I said because it was honestly how I felt.
THEN.... I also decided that maybe I spend a little too much time complaining and less time changing things. So, after a several days of complaining about another subject (my children's lack of afternoon naps and my resulting frustration to keep them entertained) I decided to do something about it. Yesterday afternoon I planned a "FUN" afternoon together. We ate lunch, saw a movie, bought new books and I did it all by myself. Yep, thats right! No one else to help me. No one else to hold the baby, help boys go potty in a public restroom, carry drinks and popcorn... nothing. Just me.
I thought this would be hard, and it was a little in the logistics sense, but overall it was fun. And relaxing. Yes, I said it... it was RELAXING!
So, in conclusion, I would like to thank the random stranger from Ventura and my children for a wonderful afternoon.
and aren't these just the cutest little kids you have ever seen?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Update!
After posting the "I'm Bored" post yesterday, my children actually played QUIETLY in their room together for more than 45 minutes! Either they just wanted to prove me wrong (which would be something I would do), or the fact that we have no furniture or TV in the family gave them no other option. Either way... it was a step in the right direction!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I'm BOOOOORED!
Do you ever get tired of hearing those words come out of your child's mouth?
I DO!
How can he possibly be THAT bored ALL the time?
He has a little brother that is a built in best friend.
He has a room full of enough toys to supply a third world nation with fun for a week.
He has plenty of movies to watch.
A Wii. (I thought as a mother I would be begging my children to STOP playing video games.... not begging them to start!)
Why is it that as soon as mommy sits down to do ANYTHING.... BAM! Thats when they need to talk, need me to get a toy, need a snack, a drink, a bandaid.....
Is this some kind of sick joke?
Do your kids ever beg and cry to stay at Grandma's house? Like going to your own house is like going to prison?
How about "playing quietly in your room" scenario? Does that ever actually happen? I will let you know when they play quietly in their room for more than 2 and a half minutes.... still hasn't happened yet!
No wonder I have 20 unfinished projects, 5 baskets of unfolded clothes, a sink full of dishes and my mind is only of half capacity.
All I have to say is when do the "I want to be like June Cleaver" classes start? I honestly wish I could walk around in heels (with a cute apron), vacuuming and smiling pleasantly at my adorable little children. But wait! That was when children went to play outside with other children!!! My kids hate the backyard and sending them outside to play with other children sounds quite dangerous, if you ask me!
Now I have another child standing next to me asking me to help find his compass....
I am sure I will look back fondly on this time of my life, eventually. RIGHT????
That's what I keep telling myself, anyways.
I DO!
How can he possibly be THAT bored ALL the time?
He has a little brother that is a built in best friend.
He has a room full of enough toys to supply a third world nation with fun for a week.
He has plenty of movies to watch.
A Wii. (I thought as a mother I would be begging my children to STOP playing video games.... not begging them to start!)
Why is it that as soon as mommy sits down to do ANYTHING.... BAM! Thats when they need to talk, need me to get a toy, need a snack, a drink, a bandaid.....
Is this some kind of sick joke?
Do your kids ever beg and cry to stay at Grandma's house? Like going to your own house is like going to prison?
How about "playing quietly in your room" scenario? Does that ever actually happen? I will let you know when they play quietly in their room for more than 2 and a half minutes.... still hasn't happened yet!
No wonder I have 20 unfinished projects, 5 baskets of unfolded clothes, a sink full of dishes and my mind is only of half capacity.
All I have to say is when do the "I want to be like June Cleaver" classes start? I honestly wish I could walk around in heels (with a cute apron), vacuuming and smiling pleasantly at my adorable little children. But wait! That was when children went to play outside with other children!!! My kids hate the backyard and sending them outside to play with other children sounds quite dangerous, if you ask me!
Now I have another child standing next to me asking me to help find his compass....
I am sure I will look back fondly on this time of my life, eventually. RIGHT????
That's what I keep telling myself, anyways.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Fall Back Friend
Do you ever wonder how people see you? I mean, how and when you are thought of? I do... a lot. I think I spend a lot of time be-friending people. I enjoy friends and I like to spend time with them. I have all types of different kinds of friends. Ones that I see on occasion and have a good laugh with. Ones that I have known for 15+ years and always pick up right where we left off, even after being apart for years. I have the ones I see several times a week and always enjoy and even some that I see several times a week and don't particularly enjoy much.
Well, I have decided that I must be the "Fall Back Friend". Yes, that's right. I am the friend that people rely on when their other friends fall through. I am okay with that though. And I will tell you why....
(Specific Names and Places and Have Been Changed To Protect the "Innocent")
Recently I have acquired quite a lot of women in my arsenal of "friends". We all are around the same age, with children the same age, and in the same stage of life. We see each other at church, at play groups, and at school pick up/drop off. We are always polite. We laugh with each other and we get together in the evenings when I our husbands get home to have a "night off". They are fun women and I enjoy them very much.
Unfortunately, I have seen a pattern lately. When "Patty" fights with "Janey", she calls me to vent to and hang out with. When "Marcia" gets irritated with "Megan", she calls me to fill her now open schedule with. When "Karen" gets irritated with "Carey", I get a whole lot of unexpected phone calls. Well, it started to bother me, but then I realized its ok.
First off, I enjoy all of these women and welcome a phone call from any of them anytime. Second, if I am the one that people think of to call when they are feeling down, I am honored to be there for them. Third, I enjoy being a peace keeper. I would much rather everyone get along and have a good time then relive the high school days where girls were evil to one another.
I may not be at the top of the invite list or the one everyone flocks to at a party, but at least I was invited, right?
So, in summary... I am ok being whatever kind of friend a girl needs because when it comes down to it, sometimes a girl just needs a friend.
Well, I have decided that I must be the "Fall Back Friend". Yes, that's right. I am the friend that people rely on when their other friends fall through. I am okay with that though. And I will tell you why....
(Specific Names and Places and Have Been Changed To Protect the "Innocent")
Recently I have acquired quite a lot of women in my arsenal of "friends". We all are around the same age, with children the same age, and in the same stage of life. We see each other at church, at play groups, and at school pick up/drop off. We are always polite. We laugh with each other and we get together in the evenings when I our husbands get home to have a "night off". They are fun women and I enjoy them very much.
Unfortunately, I have seen a pattern lately. When "Patty" fights with "Janey", she calls me to vent to and hang out with. When "Marcia" gets irritated with "Megan", she calls me to fill her now open schedule with. When "Karen" gets irritated with "Carey", I get a whole lot of unexpected phone calls. Well, it started to bother me, but then I realized its ok.
First off, I enjoy all of these women and welcome a phone call from any of them anytime. Second, if I am the one that people think of to call when they are feeling down, I am honored to be there for them. Third, I enjoy being a peace keeper. I would much rather everyone get along and have a good time then relive the high school days where girls were evil to one another.
I may not be at the top of the invite list or the one everyone flocks to at a party, but at least I was invited, right?
So, in summary... I am ok being whatever kind of friend a girl needs because when it comes down to it, sometimes a girl just needs a friend.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Menace To Society
Lately I have been feeling like I am treated differently when I am pushing a stroller.
I have 3 children... UNDER THE AGE OF 5!!!
Therefore, I usually have to push a stroller.
Well, while at the pediatrician's office today a particularly rude woman reminded me why I feel this way. While trying to squeeze by her I said, "Excuse me, can I get by?". I said it in the nicest way possible. Her response? "Sure." Unfortunately, that was her only response. Not to move over slightly, not to squeeze her big butt to the side so I could fit my stroller past her, not even to smile at me while she stood there staring blankly at me like I had snot all over my face. No. She just stood there. So, I started to squeeze by her and said, "Well, I am going to hit you with my stroller, then."
So, I did. And I as I accidentally brushed her leg with my stroller wheel she makes a comment under her breath about strollers. And I left the office making comments under my breath about rude people.
I mean, really?? Is it that much to ask? Geez!
This isn't the first time I have experienced this type of rude behavior, though. We have seen it at Disneyland, the mall, and even while walking downtown. Are there signs anywhere saying, "Please refrain from using strollers"??? NO! I thought it was my right as an American to cart my children around as I please. They are not on leashes. 2 out of the 3 of them actually walk themselves! One time while taking a leasurely stroll downtown with one of my friends who also has 3 children, we actually had a group of old men in Colima's point and laugh at us as we walked by!
Since when does having children make you such a circus act? I only have 3 children, my grandmothers both had 6 children. Imagine what I would encounter if I had 6 children following me around everywhere. I might actually cause traffic jams or cause people to run into walls or something. I think people should mind their own business. Yes, I have 3 children. Yes, they are all under the age of 5. Yes, I am crazy. GET OVER IT!
Another thing... people, it is rude to ask a woman if she is planning on having anymore children after just previously commenting on the amount of children she currently has as if I have adopted a small country or something. I do take offense to it. Whether or not I feel I am done procreating is none of your business. They are all clean, well fed, polite, and not on government assistance! They are my problem, not yours. And to put if frankly... you are lucky I brought these adorable, smart, funny little humans into the world to make up for your dumb, ugly self.
There. I have gotten it off my chest.
You are welcome. :)
I have 3 children... UNDER THE AGE OF 5!!!
Therefore, I usually have to push a stroller.
Well, while at the pediatrician's office today a particularly rude woman reminded me why I feel this way. While trying to squeeze by her I said, "Excuse me, can I get by?". I said it in the nicest way possible. Her response? "Sure." Unfortunately, that was her only response. Not to move over slightly, not to squeeze her big butt to the side so I could fit my stroller past her, not even to smile at me while she stood there staring blankly at me like I had snot all over my face. No. She just stood there. So, I started to squeeze by her and said, "Well, I am going to hit you with my stroller, then."
So, I did. And I as I accidentally brushed her leg with my stroller wheel she makes a comment under her breath about strollers. And I left the office making comments under my breath about rude people.
I mean, really?? Is it that much to ask? Geez!
This isn't the first time I have experienced this type of rude behavior, though. We have seen it at Disneyland, the mall, and even while walking downtown. Are there signs anywhere saying, "Please refrain from using strollers"??? NO! I thought it was my right as an American to cart my children around as I please. They are not on leashes. 2 out of the 3 of them actually walk themselves! One time while taking a leasurely stroll downtown with one of my friends who also has 3 children, we actually had a group of old men in Colima's point and laugh at us as we walked by!
Since when does having children make you such a circus act? I only have 3 children, my grandmothers both had 6 children. Imagine what I would encounter if I had 6 children following me around everywhere. I might actually cause traffic jams or cause people to run into walls or something. I think people should mind their own business. Yes, I have 3 children. Yes, they are all under the age of 5. Yes, I am crazy. GET OVER IT!
Another thing... people, it is rude to ask a woman if she is planning on having anymore children after just previously commenting on the amount of children she currently has as if I have adopted a small country or something. I do take offense to it. Whether or not I feel I am done procreating is none of your business. They are all clean, well fed, polite, and not on government assistance! They are my problem, not yours. And to put if frankly... you are lucky I brought these adorable, smart, funny little humans into the world to make up for your dumb, ugly self.
There. I have gotten it off my chest.
You are welcome. :)
Monday, August 31, 2009
Hello World
I have decided that I need to record my thoughts. A journal, of sorts.
I have a blog where I post the everyday adventures of my family (mostly my children), but I use that mostly as a way of scrapbooking. I was once an avid scrapbooker. I decided to scrapbook my first son's baby book, but the book has not been worked on since the second son was born and, unfortunately, Dylan is stuck at the crawling stage. I do not have the time or energy to print my pictures, glue them to a page and put cutesy little shapes around them. I do have the time/energy to upload them to my computer and post them to my blog, where I then give concise captions to them and share them with my friends and family. One day I know I will be very happy I took the time to do that.
But there are certain things I feel like I can't post on my blog. I decided to separate the cutesy family posts from the posts detailing the inner workings of my demented mind.
So, this will be the place where I will post my thoughts. Beware, though! I have some deep dark thoughts that very well could offend a nice, innocent person. I offend myself all the time.
It is just a little disclaimer... I will freely be expressing my thoughts.
Read at your own risk.
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